On the Annihilation of Species

                                                              Darwin told me to do it.

Saturday: from the journal of Erich

first blood / rat attack-tack

After trekking for nearly a whole day I came upon civilization this afternoon, just in time for lunch. The indigenous peoples were quite hospitable and after a couple quick games of Red Rover we ate lunch and they sent me on my way.

The locals and I totally hanging like a phaty sac.

Although their language consisted of whoops and lip smacks, I was able to discern that somewhere near by lived a horribly giant rat. Apparently this monster has been unsuccessfully breeding with the local goats, and though the locals didn't seem to mind ethically, they did seem rather annoyed by the noises coming from the unnatural copulation. Excited by this news I set out to find the beastie and slay it. The thirst to begin my life’s quest, eradication of the Earth's species in Darwin's name, was so great I nearly wet myself and I was forced to take multiple pee breaks along the way.

It was during one of these frequent yet quick stops that I had the eerie feeling of being watched. Zipping up with impeccable speed and grace, I unsheathed my machete and turned to face down my opponent. Luckily it was as I suspected, the great and terrible sheep humping rat had chosen this field to have our showdown. I charged!

The battle was fierce, like making love to a Russian woman (but with more whiskers).

In one swift stroke I dodged the rat's mouthful lunge and brandished a haymaker of my own.

When it was all over I left the carcass for the heartbroken goats and continued on my way. I can't say first blood wasn't satisfying, but the knowledge of the many species left to destroy, the great burden put upon me by Darwin himself, hung heavily upon me. After all, that was only a mouse and it had already caused such great devastation. How was I to defeat the greatest of all giants: the osprey, the walrus, and the salamander? I fell into a brief depression.

Stopping at a great overlook, I contemplated why Applejack's just don't taste like apples, and, realizing I hadn't the faintest clue, I decided it was questions such as this that needed answers. Answers that would never be found if the animals of the world were allowed to keep living!

1 Comments:

Blogger Doctor Fong said...

hahahaha this is wonderful! Keep up the good work.

7:32 PM  

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