how did i get this awesome hat?

Avast! The wind bites me where I pee! I dare say a blizzard is hot on us.

The weeks have been long, the trek longer, and still Mike and I search. I curse the day we arbitrarily quested northward as it brought only cold winds and furry hats upon us. We left the lush valleys for this ball shrinking cold over a week ago and still no sign of any grotesque animal activity. Worst of all, we ran out of dry goods, including jerky and corn nuts, when we entered this bloody arctic. Mike, that blasted son of Mendel, seems to be completely content living off those damn peas of his, but I'm not! Damn things make my pee smell.

If I hadn't joined forces with this pea fornicator I could have rationed that jerky for a month!

If we don't find something out here soon I'm striking out west in the middle of the night and leaving him to his peas. Damn this snow, even this amazing hat I found is rapidly filling with cold slushy. I feel as if the very forces of nature are standing right in back of us on some vast overhang, laughing at our foolish efforts.

Nay, it must be my hunger for jerky. Oh, salty, tender dry strips how I long for thee...