what happend 15 years ago that changed my life forever
This being the first entry in my immaculately fresh blogg, it is imperitive that I forthwit devulge the events of 15 years previous that brought such terrible power to mine hands and that resulted in the neccessity to keep a log of the terrors to come.
O' the terrors! Knees wobble and blatters burst themselves upon deboner britches.
Ahh, but I lose myself. To the tale, to the tale...
It was Friday, a little after lunchtime, and I was sitting in the park eating a ham and cheese sandwich, as I normally do. I had been contemplating the subtle differences between Velveta and those other "oily" cheeses when a sudden roar of thunder sent my sandwich flying to the ground. Annoyed, I set about picking up said sandwich when I noticed a peculiar cloud formation above and slightly to the left of my position.
It appeared as though God was peeking down at me from two rather poofy thunderheads. At least I assumed it was God, nobody else really pops in like that. However, his beard and baldness reminded me of some other famous figures I'd read about; Charles Darwin and Albus Dumbledore come to mind. Not wanting to insult whichever of the three wisemen might be hovering in front of me, I picked up my ham and cheese sandwich and made my greetings quite diplomatic.
"Uh, hi... guy."
"I am The Great Charles Darwin you popsicle stick! Now listen up..." What I was about to hear would change my life forever.
"I don't want to ever catch you masturbating to episodes of Murder She Wrote again. Angela Lansbury is going to be quite upset when she finds out about you." Right, the whole life changing bit came after those lies about me and Lansbury, lets skip to that.
"My son," Darwin boomed, "and I mean that in a very real, biological sense. You, Erich, are my son!"
"But that's impossible, you're an old dead dude," I interjected.
"Quiet! Nothing is impossible for the great and powerful Charles Darwin! Time is short my son, so no more dicking around with that cheese sandwich there (his incorrect assumption about the ingredients of my sandwich made me quite pissy, but I decided to forgive him on the off chance he really was my father). The world is in grave peril! It would appear my own theories of evolution, speciation, and all that hogswallop were wrong. Heck, they weren't even close! The animals, my son, the animals were put on this earth to stop MAN!"
A drammatic pause followed and I took advantage of the lull to take a couple bites of ham and cheese. "Now don't act like a retarded pidgeon and pay attention. I'm your father! And I'm Charles Darwin, God damnit! The world is in grave peril and you are the only one who can stop it. The animals, you see, they're growing larger by the day! I first noticed it in the giant turtles of the Galapagos. Simple, mundane creatures are growing larger and larger in remote areas of the world, biding their time unnoticed by man until the day comes when they are let loose upon the metropolises of mankind! You must continue my work my son! Slay these fowl beasts before they've grown to proper size. You must...."
Suddenly the clouds parted further and another head slipped in beside Darwin's, I mean my father's.
"What the shit Huxley!" Darwin roared. "Can't you see I'm talking to my son, the savior of mankind?!"
"Ohh... yah. Well, uhh... I just wanted to see if you had any tinactin, I've got this toe itch...."
"You don't even have feet you wet noodle! Now stop trying to get in on the glory and piss off, fruit booter!"
"Yah-ok."
"Now where was I... right. You, my son, have got to act quickly or else..."
It was about this time that I finished my ham and cheese sandwich and, deciding that this whole Darwin thing probably had something to do with the amount of spirits consumed at the pub the night previous, left the scene to much cursing on Darwin's behalf.
(this was a big mistake by the way)
Anyway, 15 years passed and I thought little of that odd Friday, Charles Darwin, or ham and cheese sandwiches. Then one day I came home to find my family and home smashed by what appeared to be the combined force of a giant osprey, a humungous walrus, and a behemoth salamander. My world was crushed (despite such a wonderful pun). Hatred boiled in me for the three who did this. It was then I began to believe Charles Darwin really was my father and that my responsibility to the human race was to seek out and destroy the species of the Earth before they too became giant fiends. I took up the sacred machete, given to my ancestors long ago by some natives in some tribal camp, and began my quest to find the remote locations across the globe in which these monsters dwell.
I only hope I am not too late.
O' the terrors! Knees wobble and blatters burst themselves upon deboner britches.
Ahh, but I lose myself. To the tale, to the tale...
It was Friday, a little after lunchtime, and I was sitting in the park eating a ham and cheese sandwich, as I normally do. I had been contemplating the subtle differences between Velveta and those other "oily" cheeses when a sudden roar of thunder sent my sandwich flying to the ground. Annoyed, I set about picking up said sandwich when I noticed a peculiar cloud formation above and slightly to the left of my position.
It appeared as though God was peeking down at me from two rather poofy thunderheads. At least I assumed it was God, nobody else really pops in like that. However, his beard and baldness reminded me of some other famous figures I'd read about; Charles Darwin and Albus Dumbledore come to mind. Not wanting to insult whichever of the three wisemen might be hovering in front of me, I picked up my ham and cheese sandwich and made my greetings quite diplomatic.
"Uh, hi... guy."
"I am The Great Charles Darwin you popsicle stick! Now listen up..." What I was about to hear would change my life forever.
"I don't want to ever catch you masturbating to episodes of Murder She Wrote again. Angela Lansbury is going to be quite upset when she finds out about you." Right, the whole life changing bit came after those lies about me and Lansbury, lets skip to that.
"My son," Darwin boomed, "and I mean that in a very real, biological sense. You, Erich, are my son!"
"But that's impossible, you're an old dead dude," I interjected.
"Quiet! Nothing is impossible for the great and powerful Charles Darwin! Time is short my son, so no more dicking around with that cheese sandwich there (his incorrect assumption about the ingredients of my sandwich made me quite pissy, but I decided to forgive him on the off chance he really was my father). The world is in grave peril! It would appear my own theories of evolution, speciation, and all that hogswallop were wrong. Heck, they weren't even close! The animals, my son, the animals were put on this earth to stop MAN!"
A drammatic pause followed and I took advantage of the lull to take a couple bites of ham and cheese. "Now don't act like a retarded pidgeon and pay attention. I'm your father! And I'm Charles Darwin, God damnit! The world is in grave peril and you are the only one who can stop it. The animals, you see, they're growing larger by the day! I first noticed it in the giant turtles of the Galapagos. Simple, mundane creatures are growing larger and larger in remote areas of the world, biding their time unnoticed by man until the day comes when they are let loose upon the metropolises of mankind! You must continue my work my son! Slay these fowl beasts before they've grown to proper size. You must...."
Suddenly the clouds parted further and another head slipped in beside Darwin's, I mean my father's.
"What the shit Huxley!" Darwin roared. "Can't you see I'm talking to my son, the savior of mankind?!"
"Ohh... yah. Well, uhh... I just wanted to see if you had any tinactin, I've got this toe itch...."
"You don't even have feet you wet noodle! Now stop trying to get in on the glory and piss off, fruit booter!"
"Yah-ok."
"Now where was I... right. You, my son, have got to act quickly or else..."
It was about this time that I finished my ham and cheese sandwich and, deciding that this whole Darwin thing probably had something to do with the amount of spirits consumed at the pub the night previous, left the scene to much cursing on Darwin's behalf.
(this was a big mistake by the way)
Anyway, 15 years passed and I thought little of that odd Friday, Charles Darwin, or ham and cheese sandwiches. Then one day I came home to find my family and home smashed by what appeared to be the combined force of a giant osprey, a humungous walrus, and a behemoth salamander. My world was crushed (despite such a wonderful pun). Hatred boiled in me for the three who did this. It was then I began to believe Charles Darwin really was my father and that my responsibility to the human race was to seek out and destroy the species of the Earth before they too became giant fiends. I took up the sacred machete, given to my ancestors long ago by some natives in some tribal camp, and began my quest to find the remote locations across the globe in which these monsters dwell.
I only hope I am not too late.
posted by Erich | 1:44 PM
|
2 comments
