how did i get this awesome hat?

Avast! The wind bites me where I pee! I dare say a blizzard is hot on us.

The weeks have been long, the trek longer, and still Mike and I search. I curse the day we arbitrarily quested northward as it brought only cold winds and furry hats upon us. We left the lush valleys for this ball shrinking cold over a week ago and still no sign of any grotesque animal activity. Worst of all, we ran out of dry goods, including jerky and corn nuts, when we entered this bloody arctic. Mike, that blasted son of Mendel, seems to be completely content living off those damn peas of his, but I'm not! Damn things make my pee smell.

If I hadn't joined forces with this pea fornicator I could have rationed that jerky for a month!

If we don't find something out here soon I'm striking out west in the middle of the night and leaving him to his peas. Damn this snow, even this amazing hat I found is rapidly filling with cold slushy. I feel as if the very forces of nature are standing right in back of us on some vast overhang, laughing at our foolish efforts.

Nay, it must be my hunger for jerky. Oh, salty, tender dry strips how I long for thee...

enter mike

Today was full of oddity. Yes. Much oddity indeed. I was meditating with my giant peas, a foraging behavior I just can’t seem to break, when I felt a strange disturbance. It was the sort of feeling you receive when you’ve been wearing the same pair of underpants for a week and finally take them off. Some form of wafting freedom I suppose. Anyway, I knew something was about to change, besides my drawers.

As if reading my thoughts, a strange traveler appeared from nowhere, like Bakersfield or somewhere in the Mid-West. My eye was caught and held by his machete. I thought to myself, “Self. Is this strange traveler who hath appeared out from nowhere here for good or for fowl... err, foul?”

However, upon further inspection he too had the look of one whom also felt the coming change, in his future or his pants. Either way, I was going to trust this stranger with my life. I dropped my peas and thrust my hand into the air and waved it as if I just didn’t care.

But I did care. But I wanted to be cool. So I pretended I didn’t, to appear cool, and also to distract him from my peas.

I learned the traveler’s name to be Erich. He began to regale me with the tale of his coming here, how the one and only Charles Darwin, his supernatural father, had relayed to him 15 years previous the plight of mankind. Natural selection was a lie, and all animals needed to slaughtered post haste.

“This is a little hard to swallow,” I admitted to Erich.

He replied, “You must swallow it as if it were a sausage and beef sandwich with avocado and melted cheese.”

I was still highly doubtful of his story, yet slowly coming around with that sandwich metaphor, he continued to relate his conquest of a giant goat humping mouse when suddenly a voice boomed from the heavens.

“MICHAEL!”

I stood confused for a moment, not knowing what form of ventriloquist trickery was afoot. However, Erich, whom had had a previous experience with booming voices from the heavens, reminded me to look up.

“Yes?” I replied. I looked up and was mortified. “What are you?”

“It is I, the all knowing Gregor Mendel!”

Yet another great biologist of the 19^th century was upon us.

“Michael, you are my son, though a lousy pea juggler you may be.” I looked at my peas and a sudden and unexplainable realization came over me. It was too deep to explain in words, so I just made soft sounds, something like, “Uaaaahhhhhaguhugadwoooaaabooop!”

“You must aide the Son of Darwin in his battle against the giant animals, or else my place as an equal celestial biologist shall be compromised!”

“What about the threat to the world?” Erich asked. “All the doom and stuff?”

“Shut up Son of Darwin! You think I’d allow the Darwinian name to garner greater praise! The Mendelians are already shadowed and practically forgotten! Where are our believers? Where are our bumper fish??”

At first I was shocked, then slightly less shocked, then even less shocked, but finally I understood my earlier feelings. It was indeed time to change my underwear, as I had soiled them.

Amid all of the underpants chaos I asked Gregor Mendel, “I thought you were a Father or monk or something?”

“Um…yes,” Gregor Mendel doggedly replied. “So?”

“Well then how am I your son?” I rebutted.

“Oh that.” He began to back slowly down from his mountain perch. “Well to tell you the truth I sorta have a, uhh… yellow fever. Speaking of which I must leave you now. Go Michael, you must make sure the Darwinians don’t get all the credit in this one. Ohh, and save the world, etc, etc. Sayonara!”

Without the slightest hesitation or verbiage between us, Erich and I began our journey together. We did not know where we were going or how we were to get there, but get there we must!

The fate of the world depends on it!

man do i love sandwiches

I made probably the best sandwich I've ever created today. It was really big and had all kinds of beef and sausage and avocado and cheese in it. I baked it in the oven so everything melted together into a giant sloppy joe of lust.

Me and the sandwich in love-lock, Ohhhh yesss.

I know, I know, I gotta get back to my epic journey and all that shit.

first blood / rat attack-tack

After trekking for nearly a whole day I came upon civilization this afternoon, just in time for lunch. The indigenous peoples were quite hospitable and after a couple quick games of Red Rover we ate lunch and they sent me on my way.

The locals and I totally hanging like a phaty sac.

Although their language consisted of whoops and lip smacks, I was able to discern that somewhere near by lived a horribly giant rat. Apparently this monster has been unsuccessfully breeding with the local goats, and though the locals didn't seem to mind ethically, they did seem rather annoyed by the noises coming from the unnatural copulation. Excited by this news I set out to find the beastie and slay it. The thirst to begin my life’s quest, eradication of the Earth's species in Darwin's name, was so great I nearly wet myself and I was forced to take multiple pee breaks along the way.

It was during one of these frequent yet quick stops that I had the eerie feeling of being watched. Zipping up with impeccable speed and grace, I unsheathed my machete and turned to face down my opponent. Luckily it was as I suspected, the great and terrible sheep humping rat had chosen this field to have our showdown. I charged!

The battle was fierce, like making love to a Russian woman (but with more whiskers).

In one swift stroke I dodged the rat's mouthful lunge and brandished a haymaker of my own.

When it was all over I left the carcass for the heartbroken goats and continued on my way. I can't say first blood wasn't satisfying, but the knowledge of the many species left to destroy, the great burden put upon me by Darwin himself, hung heavily upon me. After all, that was only a mouse and it had already caused such great devastation. How was I to defeat the greatest of all giants: the osprey, the walrus, and the salamander? I fell into a brief depression.

Stopping at a great overlook, I contemplated why Applejack's just don't taste like apples, and, realizing I hadn't the faintest clue, I decided it was questions such as this that needed answers. Answers that would never be found if the animals of the world were allowed to keep living!

what happend 15 years ago that changed my life forever

This being the first entry in my immaculately fresh blogg, it is imperitive that I forthwit devulge the events of 15 years previous that brought such terrible power to mine hands and that resulted in the neccessity to keep a log of the terrors to come.

O' the terrors! Knees wobble and blatters burst themselves upon deboner britches.

Ahh, but I lose myself. To the tale, to the tale...


It was Friday, a little after lunchtime, and I was sitting in the park eating a ham and cheese sandwich, as I normally do. I had been contemplating the subtle differences between Velveta and those other "oily" cheeses when a sudden roar of thunder sent my sandwich flying to the ground. Annoyed, I set about picking up said sandwich when I noticed a peculiar cloud formation above and slightly to the left of my position.


It appeared as though God was peeking down at me from two rather poofy thunderheads. At least I assumed it was God, nobody else really pops in like that. However, his beard and baldness reminded me of some other famous figures I'd read about; Charles Darwin and Albus Dumbledore come to mind. Not wanting to insult whichever of the three wisemen might be hovering in front of me, I picked up my ham and cheese sandwich and made my greetings quite diplomatic.

"Uh, hi... guy."

"I am The Great Charles Darwin you popsicle stick! Now listen up..." What I was about to hear would change my life forever.

"I don't want to ever catch you masturbating to episodes of Murder She Wrote again. Angela Lansbury is going to be quite upset when she finds out about you." Right, the whole life changing bit came after those lies about me and Lansbury, lets skip to that.

"My son," Darwin boomed, "and I mean that in a very real, biological sense. You, Erich, are my son!"

"But that's impossible, you're an old dead dude," I interjected.

"Quiet! Nothing is impossible for the great and powerful Charles Darwin! Time is short my son, so no more dicking around with that cheese sandwich there (his incorrect assumption about the ingredients of my sandwich made me quite pissy, but I decided to forgive him on the off chance he really was my father). The world is in grave peril! It would appear my own theories of evolution, speciation, and all that hogswallop were wrong. Heck, they weren't even close! The animals, my son, the animals were put on this earth to stop MAN!"

A drammatic pause followed and I took advantage of the lull to take a couple bites of ham and cheese. "Now don't act like a retarded pidgeon and pay attention. I'm your father! And I'm Charles Darwin, God damnit! The world is in grave peril and you are the only one who can stop it. The animals, you see, they're growing larger by the day! I first noticed it in the giant turtles of the Galapagos. Simple, mundane creatures are growing larger and larger in remote areas of the world, biding their time unnoticed by man until the day comes when they are let loose upon the metropolises of mankind! You must continue my work my son! Slay these fowl beasts before they've grown to proper size. You must...."

Suddenly the clouds parted further and another head slipped in beside Darwin's, I mean my father's.


"What the shit Huxley!" Darwin roared. "Can't you see I'm talking to my son, the savior of mankind?!"

"Ohh... yah. Well, uhh... I just wanted to see if you had any tinactin, I've got this toe itch...."

"You don't even have feet you wet noodle! Now stop trying to get in on the glory and piss off, fruit booter!"

"Yah-ok."

"Now where was I... right. You, my son, have got to act quickly or else..."

It was about this time that I finished my ham and cheese sandwich and, deciding that this whole Darwin thing probably had something to do with the amount of spirits consumed at the pub the night previous, left the scene to much cursing on Darwin's behalf.

(this was a big mistake by the way)

Anyway, 15 years passed and I thought little of that odd Friday, Charles Darwin, or ham and cheese sandwiches. Then one day I came home to find my family and home smashed by what appeared to be the combined force of a giant osprey, a humungous walrus, and a behemoth salamander. My world was crushed (despite such a wonderful pun). Hatred boiled in me for the three who did this. It was then I began to believe Charles Darwin really was my father and that my responsibility to the human race was to seek out and destroy the species of the Earth before they too became giant fiends. I took up the sacred machete, given to my ancestors long ago by some natives in some tribal camp, and began my quest to find the remote locations across the globe in which these monsters dwell.


I only hope I am not too late.